6. Success is due to maximizing potential, rather than luck or fate.

Is student achievement a result of pure luck or good genes? Neither. No study has shown, for instance that the Chinese excel in math because of genetics (they may do so because of other factors such as language similarities, dual math studies, Confucian style of education, etc.). Some parents also say (with a sigh of relief) that thank goodness, their high-school children are doing well in school. (He took after his dad.") Heredity aside, what they do not realize is that their children will not have done well without good study habits or solid learning background - which can be attributed to parents' prioritizing of their children's learning. Moreover, when their children complain that a subject is too hard, parents do not say "that's really hard," or "That's okay. I'm also poor in Math." Instead they urge them to do their best.

What this means: Inculcate in your child the belief that he makes his own success (but be there to guide them necessary). Effort is more important than whatever innate ability he may possess. Encourage him to do his best. A mediocre performance is certainly not his best! Inspire him with real-life accounts of people who have done well because of perseverance and hard work.

7. Parents remain supportive of their child even when he gets low grades.

True, achievers seldom get very low marks, but when they do, families are still loving and supportive. No one is perfect, and a low grade or two is a fact of life. (Frequent low grades are another matter, of course.) Unconditional acceptance is the rule - however, acceptance is not enough. When their child gets low grades, parents do their best to help (by tutoring him themselves, researching reference materials, consulting the teacher or rethinking the balance of academics and extra-curricular activities.)

Parents also do not compare their child with others, and they do not put undue pressure on him. However, when their child does well, a majority of parents (more than 80 percent) say they frequently inform friends and family about their child's successes! When based on fact and done with love and joy, this measure of family pride also bolsters the child's and the family's self-esteem.

What this means: We support our child even when (and especially when) he gets low grades and help him do better next time. Do not compare children with other siblings or peers, but when they do well, it doesn't hurt to relay the news to friends and family!

8. Setting, negotiating and enforcing rules is an act of love and is the job of good parents.

Many parents confess that they had a "traditional" childhood, where their own parents were authoritarian, where spanking was the rule rather than the exception and where they were "seen not heard." In reaction to these, many parents have vowed to be "friends rather than parents" with their children, pals rather than authority figures. However, such practices have backfired, with children losing respect for their parents, breaking school and community rules, and in fact, often losing direction in life.

Parents are meant to be parents, not peers. Discipline (which is inevitable) is the job of good parents. But the method of discipline varies with age, and even with the personality of the child. Time-outs may work best for young children, while withdrawal of privileges may be effective for teenagers. In the survey, for a majority of parents and children cutting TV or computer time is a popular strategy. They do not give in to their teenagers when he complains or make a fuss. They demand accountability.
Most parents in the survey also say they have high expectations for their children in school and what's more - their children are aware of such expectations. Parents also impart the value of discipline and hard work through modeling it themselves, and through questioning and conversation. When children see parents living life in a "good" upright moral way, they have the best role model to follow. When our children are old enough, having a family discussion on what is right and wrong (even the gray areas) in politics, for instance, or in school (bullying, cheating) is essential. Parents also make their children face up to the consequences of their negative behavior (instead of making “salo” for them and interceding on their behalf all the time).

What this means: Children need discipline when they (inevitably) break non-negotiable rules agreed upon beforehand by the family. Ensure that the method of discipline is meted out with love and care and with the child's best interest in mind. Ensure that children learn responsibility for themselves, and remember that we are our children's best role models.

9. Together with their child, parents help him develop his personal goals.

Family discussions should not be just about the latest movies or fashion craze. When the child is old enough, discussion and guidance about personal goals (e.g. he wants to be on the basketball team but at the same time he also wants to do well academically) should be constantly done. If possible, career choices should also not be left at the last minute (but take heart: in college, when interests shifts, students can always switch career paths). In the survey, most parents also recognize and encourage their son's talents (e.g. playing the guitar, acting in plays). Music, art, and sports lessons are some activities wise parents invest in. Parents also support and attend their son's extracurricular activities in school.

What this means: Goal-setting is integral for growth and life path, and our children need our constant guidance. We also recognize and invest in our son's interests (outside of academics), since they are another source of self-worth.

10. Time, affection, and communication are essential to success and family well-being.

In today's harried world, with varied individual schedules, it is heartening to note that more than 85 percent of families in the study still have dinner together always or most of the time. Affection is openly demonstrated (and most parents say their teenagers do not mind giving them a hug or a peck on the cheek).

Parents encourage exchanging opinions with their children - even if they believe they are right and even if their children's ideas conflict with theirs. They involve their children in family discussions, but interestingly, in line with their roles as parents, they believe that more often than not, they know what is best for their children. Many parents have invested time and effort to raise their families right, and half of them say they make themselves available to their children even if it means forgetting their own needs. (However, neglecting personal needs is not recommended, since love and care for others starts with love and care for the self.)

What this means: Investing time, demonstrating affection and ensuring open and honest communication with our children are invaluable. Little things count. Have dinner together as a family. Hug one another. Encourage a free but respectful exchange of differing ideas. Above all, we should be there for our children.

Published in the Philippine Daily Inquirer last March 14, 2004

Published with permission of the author.

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